Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

You might have a big ass if...


With a nod to Jeff Foxworthy and his "You Might Be A Redneck" jokes...


You might have a big ass if...

  • You might have a big ass if when you sit on a chair and your ass "spills" over the sides of the seat
  • You fall on your butt and bounce
  • You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your ass plowed




You might have a big ass if...

  • You consider the phrase "watch it fat ass" a compliment
  • When walking along and you overhear, "Look at the shitter on that critter!" and instinctively turn around and smile knowing it's you their talking about
  • Every time you try to leave the grocery store they stop and accuse you of trying to conceal and steal two hams





You might have a big ass if...

  • People describe your butt as "jigglish"
  • You have to buy jeans too big for your waist in order to accommodate your fat bottom
  • The U.S.Postal Service assigns your butt it's own zip code



You might have a big ass if...
  • You go to get something out of the refrigerator, and accidentally switch the dishwasher on
  • You get stuck in a double doorway
  • Your skirt is always shorter in the back, than in the front



You might have a big ass if...

  • You get busted for having two pounds of crack!
  • When you ask the question "Does this make me look fat?" and the answer is " No, your hips do."
  • You accidentally knock some little child down when you turn around



You might have a big ass if...
  • Your butt is your strongest, most powerful muscle
  • When you wear high heels you strike oil


You might have a big ass if...

  • Your lower back doesn’t touch the floor when you lay down on your back
  • You have a rear shelf that you could rest a drink on
  • Its still jiggling 4 seconds after you stopped walking


Sunday, 24 April 2011

Too funny

"For those of you who celebrate, happy Easter.
For those who have a sense of humor, I present this :)"
Happy Bunny Day

Monday, 18 April 2011

A Computer For Women

The Petticoat 5: A Computer Made By Women For Women




Just don't take the joke too seriously... It is a joke, remember!

Thursday, 7 April 2011

Tea Bagging

Fox News and other news media have been calling the protests by the Tea party movement, "Teabagging parties." As Rachel Maddow says, "Apparently they didn't check Urbandictionary before they chose their name."

Teabagging

To have a man insert his scrotum into another person's mouth in the fashion of a teabag into a mug with an up/down (in/out) motion.

~Urban Dictionary






Thursday, 24 February 2011

Odd Sex Facts

Here are some weird, odd or interesting facts about sex... Some of these kind of makes you think "WTF?"


According to one source, there are about 1,000 recognized slang words for "vagina."

A man's beard grows fastest when he anticipates having sex.

The word "sex" was coined in 1382.

Sex is considered the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than Valium!

Women buy four out of every 10 condoms sold. 

The condom is named after Dr. Charles Condom.

The average shelf-life of a latex condom is about two years.

Twenty million Americans watch pornography annually.

Humans, bonobo monkeys, and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

Snakes have two sex organs. 

Twenty-two percent of couples rent porno flicks at least once (or at least, twenty-two percent of couples actually admit to renting a porno at least once)

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great Pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

In 2000 BC the Egyptians used elephant dung as contraceptives. Yikes, beware of beetles!

"Formicophilia" is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals. 

Genophobia is the fear of sex.

"Ithyphallophobia" is a morbid fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.

French President Francois Faure expired in a bordello in 1899 during the act of copulation, which so terrified his lady of the evening that her vagina constricted intractably, necessitating the surgical removal of the dead man's member.

According to the the 1953 Kinsey Report, 10 percent of the population is exclusively hetero or homosexual.

According to that same Kinsey Report, 15 percent of the female population was capable of multiple orgasms.

Aphallatosis is a mental disorder resulting from a lack of sex life.

The average length of a flaccid penis is four inches.

The word "gymnasium" comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means "to exercise naked."

The sale of sex toys and vibrators is banned in Alabama and Mississippi. 

The p.h. of the vagina is 4.0 to 5.0, which is fairly acidic.

Sex burns anywhere from 70 to 360 calories per hour... but the actual amount of calories burned depends upon what you actually do!

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

Males, on average, think about sex every seven seconds.

The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.

The G-spot, a sensitive area located inside the vagina on the upper wall, an inch or two behind the back of the pubic bone, is named for Dr. Ernest Grafenberg.

Males, on average, think about sex every 7 seconds.

The average time that a man lasts after penetration is two minutes.

Pornography is derived from the Greek word meaning "the writings of prostitutes."

Males, on average, think about sex every 7 seconds.

The word "masochism" was coined because of the 1870 novel, Venus in Furs.

There here are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day.

The sperm count of an average American male compared to thirty years ago is down thirty percent.

Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour; 
 
The average amount of time spent kissing for a person in a lifetime is 20,160 minutes.

The condom made originally of linen was invented in the early 1500's. 

Casanova, famous the womanizer, used linen condoms.

Impotence is grounds for divorce in 26 U.S. states.

The Italian method: The art of putting a condom on a guy with your mouth.

During the female orgasm, endorphines are released, which are powerful painkillers... so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex.

During World War II, condoms were used to cover rifle barrels from being damaged by salt water as the soldiers swam to shore.

According to psychologists, the shoe and the foot are the most common sources of sexual fetishism in Western society.
A man will ejaculate approximately 18 quarts of semen, containing half a trillion sperm, in his lifetime 

Men are six times more likely than women to peruse sexually explicit material on the Internet 

The smallest erect penis on record was just 1cm long
About one per cent of women can orgasm solely through breast stimulation.  
 
Three out of a thousand men (0.3%) are well endowed enough to fellate (blow) themselves to orgasm 

A man's testicles increase in size by 50% when he is aroused. 

The left testicle usually hangs lower than the right for right-handed men. The opposite is true for lefties.

Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches; Average length when erect: 5.1. 

Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy both the giving and receiving of oral sex than high school dropouts.

Homosexual behavior has been observed in marine birds, sheep, orangutans, and other animals.

Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60% (39% lied). 

Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%. 

Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 minutes to 2 weeks. 

Average # of erections per day for a man: 11. 

Average # of erections during the night: 9. 

Women are most likely to want to have sex when they are ovulating. 

Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be interested in a one-night stand than those with only a Bachelor's degree.

Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie.

Electrically powered vibrators were invernted in the 1880s and used by doctors to treat hysteria. 

 

Monday, 21 February 2011

Banned Commercial: Sprint



I am not quite sure they banned this. I don't see anything wrong with it.

Saturday, 19 February 2011

Merit Badges for Sissies

Groups like "Boy Scouts," "Girls Scouts," and "Camp Fire Girls" all give out merit badges to recognize the accomplishments of their members. Wouldn't it be great if there was a group for sissies that gave out badges that limp-wristed pantywaists would be proud to display?

Here are some suggestions for "Sissy Scout" badges:

Brassiere Award
For the first time a sissy wears a bra
Pretty Panties Award
For the first time a sissy wears her panties
 
 
High Heels Award
For the first time walking in heels without stumbling

Smooth Underarm Award
For the first time a sissy removes all hair from her underarms
Leg Shaving Award
For the first time a sissy shaves her legs without nicking herself
Pantyhose Award
For the first time the sissy puts on pantyhose without causing a run
Mascara Award
For wearing mascara in public for the first time
Lipstick Award
For wearing lipstick in public for the first time
Underdressing Award
For the first time wearing a bra under your clothes in public

Hair Curler Award
For the first time the sissy gets her hair set

Wedding Gown Award
For the first time wearing a wedding gown

Femme Fatale Award
For the sissy's first time in public wearing a formal gown
Measurement Award
For the first time a sissy gets her first brassiere fitting
Feminine Hygiene Award
For the first time a sissy uses a tampon
 
Hormone Award
For trying your mom's birth control pills

Thursday, 17 February 2011

Amorous Secretions, Baby Batter, Bull Gravy, Hot Man Mustard, Splooge...

And what do you like to call it besides "Yummy"?

Amorous Secretions
Baby Batter
Baby Food
baby gravy
Baby Juice
ball juice
bloke yolk
Bull Gravy
Buttermilk
Chism
Clotted Cream
cock spit
cock vomit
Cocksnot
Come
Cream
Cream
Crud
cum
Dick Cream
dick slime
donut glaze
Duck Butter
ejaculate
father lava
Fetch
gentleman's relish
gizzum
Glue
goo
Gravy
Hockey
Honey
hot man mustard
Hot Milk
Hot vanilla
Jam
Jazz
Jelly
Jism
Jizz
Juice
la leche, 
Letch Water
Load
love juice
Love Liquor
man fluid
man glue
man milk
Man Oil
man seed
Marrow
Mettle
midwestern manchowder
Mild
nab cream
naughty sauce
number 3
nut butter
Oil of Man
Ointment
Oyster
pearl necklace
pimp juice
Prick Juice
Pudding
Scum
seed
semen
Slime
smutty putty
Soap
Spendings
Sperm
Spew
splooge
Spoo
Spooge
Spratz
Spume
Spunk
squirt, 
Starch
Stuff
Tail Juice
Tail Water
Tallow
Wad
White Blow
White Honey

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Story Time With Sarah St. Claire

Story Time With Sarah St. Claire from The Sarah Silverman Program.

Gee! I didn't realize that she did a whole episode about me!!

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Fuck You! Pumps

Now these are boots that make a statement!



The only question is, 
are you saying "Fuck You!" to others when you wear these or are you the one who got fucked by paying over a thousand dollars for them?

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Register Your Sissy For Vacation Bible Gun Camp!

Oh! If only my parents loved me enough to send me to such a lovely place when I was a child. If they did, then perhaps I would not have grown up to be a sacrilegious science-loving sissy. *sigh*

Who can come?
Landover Baptist Vacation Bible Camp is for anyone who finished Grade 3 up to those finished grade 6. Optional grade 7 for those who attended last year and failed to kill an endangered animal and memorize over 50 Bible verses.

Get all the details at:




 


What to Bring to Bible Camp?
King James Bible (1611 version)
Highlighter
Semi-Automatic Pistol 
Revolver with Telescopic Lens
Plenty of Ammunition
Knives suitable for skinning
Cell Phone and Walkie Talkie
Fireworks
Tape Recorder
Hand Cuffs
One Change of Clothes
Money for Offering Plate
Rope

What to Leave At Home?
Notebook, Pens and Pencils
Secular Music
Sleeping Bag
PJ's
Soap and Shampoo
Swimsuit
Flashlight
Camera and Film
Stuffed Animals
Sunscreen
Insect Repellant
Rain Gear
Sissy Friends

Monday, 17 January 2011

Clues that you may be a sissy

If you have any doubt whether you are a manly man's man or a simpering limp-wristed sissy, don't despair! The results of a multi-year, scientific study have been released that give you 15 important clues to your true nature:

If you  have ever spent more than an hour online looking for the prefect pair of Mary Janes...
you may be a Sissy
If you have more than one pair of pink tights...
you may be a Sissy
If you don’t consider yourself dressed with out a bow in your hair...
you may be a Sissy
If you have ever even considered taking a doll with you when You go out...
you may be a Sissy
If your  panties have more than 2 rows of lace on them...
you may be a Sissy
If you have more petticoats than any other piece of clothing...
you may be a Sissy
If you have ever worn more than 2 petticoats at one time...
you may be a Sissy
If you feel sad when you dress without a petticoat ...
you may be a Sissy
If you own a pink purse...
you may be a Sissy
If you own any piece of clothing or jewelry with the word “Sissy” on it...
you may be a Sissy
 
If you smile when someone calls you a Sissy...
you may be a Sissy
If you have ever said or written the phrase  “I’m a Sissy”...
you may be a Sissy
If you watch “Toddlers and Tiaras “ for fashion advice ...
you may be a Sissy
If you hear someone say that no girl over the age of  7 would be caught dead in the dress you are  wearing, and that gives you a boner...
you may be a Sissy
If all you think about is frilly dresses, petticoats, lacy panties, Hair bows and patent leather shoes...
you may be a Sissy